I was digging through a old Geocities account I used in high school as a psuedo floppy drive. Our school though flash drives were "ZOMG! VIRUSESESES" and forbid them - so, I set up a geocities account and uploaded my work there, while everyone else was scrambling to get a paper typed up at school. I found this neat poem we did in my 12th grade as a self expression exercise. I think my teacher, being a pyschology minor in college, wanted to see just how bland and fucked up most of our school is. Well, here is mine, and I think it still fits me. It is, however, a bit sadder than I meant for it to come out, but at that time in my life I was sadder than I am now. My father was sick, I had let someone go who I really didn't want to let go, and a deep friend was into some very self-hurtful things. Overall I think the ending sums it up nicely however.

I am a fog-embraced starry fall night. I am a piece of old fashioned candy you eat by the pond side. I am a torrent of rain harassing the rusted skeleton of a ship. I am a newly blossomed peach tree waving in the wind. I am like a surgically stitched heart, broken across many faults then stitched back together. I am a frolicking, leaping fennec fox twitching my large ears at the sound of a cricket in my desert home. I am a brooding pitch black raven, perching on a statute chanting my chant forevermore. I am a birthday cake lit up by a halo of candles at a surprise party. I am a thumping-loud-as-hell grunge song that blares through speakers and screeching electric guitars delivering anger amplified tenfold to a withering mass of humans. Yet, I am the soft rustling of trees as you lay under their swinging branches. I am a neglected kitten in an alley mewing loudly for anyone to come pet me. I am a happy bouncing streak of light hitting from side to side to the sound of my own drum. I am a sparkling shower of glitter that hides a porcelain mask from view. I am a half masked music genius sliding in and out of his passageways under a famous opera house with a lasso in one hand and a rose in the other, enchanting a songbird into his cage. I am the moving shadow that darts barely into your corner of vision, making you stop and think even for a minute. I am the screeching children on a roller coaster at a loud amusement park. I am the static on an empty channel that you find unexpectantly. I am the smell of a grilled cheese sandwich and warm soup after a day of playing in the snow. I am a quick and agile thief that steals your gold for a better purpose. I am a loud military chant in the hearts of rough-and-tumble soldiers. I am a forgotten toy in the bottom of a toy chest, my only hug coming from dust. I am a hopeful ray of sunshine breaking through even the dullest clouds. My sunlit brilliance hurts even me. I am a KGB officer standing in Red Square puffing away on a cigarette. I am the murmur of secret passwords, of an exchange of information, of lucrative deals made to protect all we know dear. I am a sly little fox stealing a look at a pristine battle-hardy wolf as he passes by. I am Dante standing with Virgil looking down into the Circles of Hell. I am a strong, faithful cougar who protects her friends, be it at the cost of her own life. I am a artist, my paints varied words, my canvas anything from a napkin to a age old book. I am the spirit of rebellion, yearning to bring new ideas and thoughts into the world. I am beautiful tropical fish held in a tank for all to see, put on display merely for my looks. I am the wind whisking your hair around your face. I am a brief kiss on the cheek, overflowing with promises of a better life. I am laying down with your lover snuggling for hours on end. I am a lonely, forgotten, worthless ghost trapped in a well, waiting for someone with compassion to free me. I am all of these things, and many more, and by God I hold no contempt for any of it at all.

It's been a hectic past two weeks since I've posted. It's the end of the semester, and my college is feeling the strain of this whole sucky economic downturn. Many classes which need 10 people to actually have class are falling to the side as less and less people are able to finish out their dipolmas, which sucks for them and the college. I am reduced to taking two classes at a time, and this semester they are both online! Yay for me to be able to save that gas, but also yay for me because later on in the semester, I can get a part time job and start paying for my car and helpin' out around the house. In September my mother loses some Social Security through my sister, and that will be quite painful when it comes around. That is why I -need- to start working now, to support my mother and my sister even more. And she will be working also, chipping in what she can.

My sister and I should not be doing this. My mother should be able to provide for us on her salary alone. As the news has been spewing lately, the cost of living is so high nowadays ( not only do you have to think about rent now, but your car payment, insurance, health coverage, water/power, garabage, cell phone, cable 'Net and TV ) even people in the middle class are struggling. I have said this to myself in my head, and now I will say this out loud - there are too many people breeding on this planet. Ladies, learn to swallow or actually BE a woman and take the Pill or insist on condoms. It's not that hard, and if a man refuses to wear one let him go so he can keep risking his life and more overpopulation. Once the population goes down, I do have a feeling that most other things will follow - we won't need as much space, Nature can start to recover, goods and services and jobs will not be in such a high demand... Oy. I could go on and on, and I more than likely will later on, but right now I have a cold and must get into bed.

Love/Murder

 Depriving yourself of sleep because of a chest cold can quite help your mental state sometimes. I have decided, from my own reasoning and from my dear friends telling me so, that I have been underestimating just how smart and driven I am. I have the special (nowadays) ability to balance my work and my life - I do not give up one for the other, be whatever the tug. I currently feel a strong, burning need to volunteer, and today at school I am going to talk to our volunteer center about the prospect. Would I like a steady, paying job in this field? It has crossed my mind - for Gods sake, I'm 20 and will graduate a few months after I am 21. I am not mentally ready to have a hard, steady job that I will be in for the next 15 years yet. I need to improve on myself mentally, and give back to this world before I am locked into a horrid, soul sucking cycle for a few years.

Let me make this clear however - I am NOT putting off working. Notice how I said I wanted to get paid to be involved with a charity or something? That is the kind of job I personally believe more young peope ( I would say the cut off for "young" given today's healthier ways would be somewhere around the late 20s range, mayhap 28 ) need to undertake. Unlike our elders, who lived through many hard times in the 60s and whatnot, we have had it very easy in our short lives. We need to see the dirtier side of life, to get into the ghettos and give to the less fortunate than ourselves. Why? We are getting soft as hell, whining at the fact that we may have to go one day without Coke or our beer of choice. To better ourselves we better others on the outside.

That is about all I have to say.

 I think I am going to start writing an essay every weekend detailing what I think of a certain practice in todays society. Keep in mind I am throughly disgusted with each sides mouthpeice - if you jabber on for animals rights or human rights, vegan or meat, up or down, you are still being used no matter how "uncool" or "cool" your views are. By simply living, and showing other people -how- you live and being a human, that is how you make a difference.

Of course I will post them here, just to get peoples feedback and to expose my writing to the world. Ive been holding my thoughts in for a touch too long. I think I will enjoy this :3

Freaking out about how to pay for school.

Damn scholarships are announced until the day before they are cancelled.

I need to graduate soon so I can peace out before I go completely nuts.

I'm about to just start picking cans off the road and hawking my shit for money.

Guh, why can't I just go to school for damn free!


On the other hand, my godbrother is coming back to America Saturday from Aussie-land, I'm getting a new bed, and my fiancee is coming down in about 4 weeks. So, I guess everything is even. Oh, and winter is here finally and I do love some hot cocoa. But everything is still a whirlwind.

 My trip to Texas was a blast <3. A kickass RenFair ( largest in the country ), downtown Austin is so grunge and special ( Yay sex shops that bake their own cookies! ) and I spent it with a kickass guy ( Black nerds are fun! ).

Sad thing is, I got used to seeing and hanging out with another person for ten days, so when I came back to yeehaw goldsboro I feel . . .  Off. Like I should be doing more. But, and I know this extremely well, I cannot do more stuff because Goldsboro is just not catered to young adults. Its geared towards families, and while that isn't bad for them it is bad for the few intellectual young kids who have to stay here for their own reasons. I know a few who just didn't want to get head over heels in debt, so they are going to the community college ( which I assure you, is really awesome for kids who want more of a control of their future ). Others have family pressures keeping them here, in the South the family is still really strong. Sometimes too strong, and many of my friends futures have withered due to sick family members or even just strong drama and fears of the outside world.

I have my books, and I intend on taking up some sort of hands on hobby to keep my mind going on the weekends and through class breaks. My last hands on hobby was playing the guitar right before high school, and if I can find a cheap one I just may do that. Oh, and money is an issue - so I can't do stuff like jewerly making or pottery. Or maybe those aren't as much as I thought... I dunno. I need tips. Or a train ticket outta here. Or both.

Dammit. But everything else is going fine. School is fine, crunch time is on me but its on everyone. The club at school helps, but overall I still feel really... really boxed in right now.

 Well, long story of the past month short, I'm in school, I'm doing awesome ( abeit rocky but I'm getting the swing very quickly ) and I'm looking foreward to my trip to Austin TX. I will be staying with a close friend who I may end up moving in with for about a year. Its gonna be awesome and fun, and yes, kinky sex will abound! I may even get to go see a awesome radio show from around Austin, and of course the Alamo Drafthouse.

I'll post more here soon, I just wanted to keep this thing alive.

Well, just finished my first two weeks of class. So far, its been awesome. I had almost forgotten how much I love going to school, working to expand my mind and increase what I know so I can attain my goals my life. May sound a bit toolish coming from me, going on about established organizations, but hey! I'm in the middle of nowhere and my college is the best bet for me to get out of here. Most people who go there just wish to stay around Goldsboro for their own reasons, but I want out.

Even in these first two weeks I've learned so much, and my self esteem has grown so much lately. I have a club at school that will really help me in the job search, and I do not half ass it like some people in the club. I am so fortunate that I have this opportunity to do something for myself :)

Ok, sappy rant over. Even though I may have another one here soon. Hm.

Tomorrow I go back to work after a little 2 week break. Why a two week break? I'm the only frackin' college student working there this year, and so that makes everyone else a high school kid. School didn't get out here until today, so yeah.

Gotta work outside in a heat index of 105-110 degrees, running around and cleaning and dealing with drunk white trash/soccer moms who hate the outside/people who think that they can call you a bitch because they don't really speak English. And all of this for minimum wage. Ugh! Well, its still better than nothing, and it is outside. The weekends are the hardest times because we're so busy then. I don't know how busy we will be this year, with gas and all, but we will see. I think myself into a conundrum when I think on the subject -- we could be close to some people, so we're a beach alternative ( the park I work at has a lake and refreshment stand ) or people could be so strapped for gas money they don't even want to go down a few miles, which is how I'm siding right now.

Other than that, my mediation practice is going awesome. Gotten into the habit of doing it for about 30 minutes every day. Besides writing on here, I have a paper journal that I keep in my huge purse so I can write when I need to. I'm becoming more and more open about how I am, even though this confuses many people. Some days I will be tending my herbal garden, and other times I will be listening to heavy metal. Still other days I will be musing philosophical ideals, and others I will be very geeky. As I have said before, I am utterly comfortable with my waxing and waning different sides. In this day and age, I have found that women like me, who sample all, are extremely rare. Women who think for themselves, who are not slaves to boyfriends and husbands and their own agenda, are even more rare. I am so proud of how I have turned out -- and I am still growing.

In short, humidity = DEATH, meditation is fun, and I'm fine with my fine ass.

Love/Murder

My summer has started off kinda badly. I'm the only person at my work who has any common sense, and experience there, so I'm kinda bossin' around other, less "smart" kids that are 2 years older than me. Ugh, to be a smart kid in the middle of dumbfuckistan.

But, I may have another job I can do over the Net. That would help with gas, and be awesome on my resume. And I do have my ATL trip comin' up that I need money for. Ah, my Phi Beta Lambda group at school - our motto should be "We're all awesome smart, but we drink like sailors!"

And next year, me and a few friends are haulin' ass to Roswell for a week, for their UFO festival/conference. PM me if you want in, it's ultra cheap to go and we will have a theme dress the entire time. Well the first day it's a alien "parade", so anything fantastic and glittery. The rest of the time, however, we gotta figure something out. And! Oh oh oh! Their Mickey D's there are all tricked out space-wise. I hear that the ball pits glow in the dark!

Ehh, on review i's not too bad for a summer. My schoolwork allows me a distraction, and my job is only really full of sweaty fat white trash on the weekends. And LJ has started to grow on me, so really expect more entries.

Love/Murder